"send us back to hell | we've had our fill of heaven"
"give us back our sins deadly one through seven"
mmmmm... Alkaline Trio
so i just read tias blog....i am a little suprised. speechless as well. it's funny how things like that are so suprising. don't know what to say.
but we're going to move on from that....
so last night i hung out with guy. we went and got coffee and cheesecake and went to barnes and noble. we looked through the hippy book.... lots of nudity, acid, and pot. then we went to the movie theater parking lot, where we saw tia's car. we waited for tia and mike to come out of the movies and changed parking spaces many times until we were directly in front of tias car. then we waited. we saw mexicans and two guys who had shiny heads. then we went to mike and tia's and watched "danny deckchair", which is a very funny austrailian movie. after that, i took guy home and went back to my house to sleep. then i woke up and went to lunch with my aunt and my grandfather. then i came online and saw tia's blog. that prettymuch brings me to now: i am sitting here not knowing what to think....hmmm.... didn't know guy and i are a couple....
oh man
it's really hot up here... espcially when i was packing things. so i went on the internet to take a break and cool off. i'm not cooling off any.
i never realized how much shit i have.
i think i'll be painting and moving in on monday or tuesday.
well if anyone gets bored call me 471-5901 i'll be sitting around.
somebody had better have sex with me soon
not only am i horny, but i'm also paying 43 dollars a month for birth control now. so yeah, i am officially looking for a guy.
i also have a sinus infection, so this months birth control is basically wasted. oh well. not like i'm getting any.
i'm really bored. really really bored. really really REALLY BORED.
i wanna move
so my dad is talking about how he wants to move in slowly, which sucks. i want to move in now. preferably without him. i didn't even see the inside yet. we moved some stuff over, which was long and difficult because it was shelving units from our basement. i just wanna move. grandpa said we could have my bed and such which is cool but it doesn't exactly match the things i already bought. but oh well. i have a new vision for the room i will have.
in other news, nothing has changed since i posted twice earlier. i'm just bored and this is better than sitting about doing nothing.
so i dont know what to think about the whole thing last night that i don't want to elaborate on for the sake of keeping it a secret (although again, secrets and blogs don't exactly go together). i'm just a little suprised (not bad suprised, just thought i was crazy and no one liked me like that). this guy is really cool and i like him but i'm confused because i don't know what the hell he wants from me and i don't know what i want from him. oh man, if only guys were easier to figure out. now i'm just freaking out because i'm tired and i have to go to the doctor tomorrow. i might have to have an exam (the icky kind), in which case i will be very upset.
so if anyone who reads this gets bored tomorrow, you should call me anytime after 11 because i will be really bored and will need someone to hang out with. even if you don't have my number, get it off someone. mike has it and so do some other people.
happy things
my list of happy things:
1. i like guy's cd that he left in my car last night. however, the breaking benjamin stuff doesn't exactly go with the ac/dc stuff
2. i started packing for the big move.
3. my cousin came over with his fiancée. they're adorable.
4. dancing around for no good reason is my new favorite activity.
5. i didn't get out of bed until 11:15
6. sam gave me his cheese curds
7. christina is online
8. i found my wonder woman sweatshirt
9. i am the xerox queen
10. other happy things that i'm not going to put here
and here's to you, mrs. robinson
joe is evil. so are john and guy who played the song for me. but guy is forgiven because breaking benjamin is good.
so from yesterday's two problems, one has been solved. now it's time to worry about the legality of the issue.
last night i went strawberry picking with mike's family and tia, guy, and jonny. mike's brother anthony is adorable. and then later, guy and i talked with mr. brunette in the movie theatre parking lot. guy and i went people watching at the mall...there were black kids fighting and strange couples.
i dunno. i'm gonna go eat now.
it's a million billion degrees outside
thank god for air conditioning.
so.... i really didn't want to put any of this in here, but i'm going to anyways because i need to say it to someone other than christi.
1. i've been thinking a lot lately abuot the whole breakup with greg and i think it's good that its over. now i can go find someone who isn't embarassed to be around me and will enjoy being with me. i loved him, but the more i think about things, the more i realized how much of myself i changed for him. i think i'm ready to move on. which brings me to #2...
2. i like a guy (christi you can stop laughing now). i'll call him ringo for the sake of this blog entry because i don't want to give myself away although i'm sure i have already. he's really nice, really funny, and really cute. he and i click, which is sorta nice and we have some things in common. he's also really good looking (i know i'm superficial, but i can't like a guy without being physically attracted to him). however, there are some issues. there is a significant age difference, although he looks about my age. and i have no idea what he thinks about me. at all. the first problem is only a problem if he actually likes me. but if he does like me, the first problem is a big problem from a legal standpoint. i really don't feel like going to prison. but again, getting way ahead of myself here.
ok so now that i've exposed that little secret, i'd like to ask any of you who happen to read this and figure out who i'm talking about to keep this to yourselves. i'm not sure if i'm going to do anything about all this so telling "ringo" about all this is a bad idea. i know that trying to keep a secret in a blog is kind of an oxymoron, but please?
bad things
so leaving a soviet hat at a chinese buffet does not sound like a good idea to me...
nothing to do. de pere is boring. i can't find my book and i listened to all the cds i wanted to hear already.
i saw people again last night, which was nice. i like seeing people. people are fun. be cool is a good movie too.
i'm dressed up like pretty girl and there's no one to see it. i have on a skirt and makeup and everything, and i'm sitting alone at the computer.
nightmares
so last night we found a big black dildo. i'm not going to say whose it was or where we found it, but we found a big black dildo.
and i heard music and saw cool people and there was something about a schoolteacher.
and guy and i contemplated a lava lamp and had a thumb war. and i talked to joe (not the joe who reads this, but the joe i'm talking about might read it too.) and i ate chinese. and alex was there making drawings on the computer. and johnny's really bad at video games. and guy and johnny shouted obscenities at a republican from my car (guy threw a can of diet caffiene free coke at the minivan). and we all ate jolly ranchers and had a good time.
fuck the police
so mike's crazy neighbors called the cops on us last night for "prowling" in the middle of the road on a dead-end street when we clearly didn't do any damage to anything. yeah. good times.
ugh. today is bad. gyno then work then NOTHING. i think i mind the nothing part most. gyno is pretty bad too.
i dunno. that's about it for me.
make it stop?
my back hurts really bad. everything hurts. i want it to stop.
did you know that in wisconsin you can't buy spray adhesive until the age of 21? i tried to buy glue so i could cover a lampshade and wal mart wouldn't let me buy it.
another long night at dylan's. we watched movies again, which is lots of fun with him because we're both brainwashed by lindbeck and we pick things apart the same way. lit and media ruined me.
i stuffed my new duvet today. it looks really comfy. i also bought the matching pillow and some blue silk to cover my lampshade with to match the duvet set. i would have covered my lampshade, but i'm not old enough to buy glue. i'm old enough to give myself lung cancer but not old enough to cover a lampshade. how does this make sense?
i had a field day at target. i bought undies and tank tops and the pillow for my duvet set and some tic tacs and then i went to joann's and bought 3 bags of polyfill and then i went to wal mart and bought two more bags of polyfill and a remnant for covering my lampshade.
i guess that's my exciting news for the day.
i love you more than anything in the world
i don't expect that will last. (Elvis Costello)
when did this happen to me? i used to believe in people and believe in love. now i hate happy couples. i don't want to see roses. wedding specials on tv make me ill. fuck love. anyone who thinks they're happy is just lying to themselves.
i went to the pool today. i am very sunburnt. my legs and shoulders are red like my cellphone. eek. i'm pretty sure i had some issues with being out in the heat too. wow. my life has hit an all-time low if babysitting is fun.
i miss the old me.
you never gave it a chance
so i spent today babysitting, which would have been much better if my stepfather hadn't gotten very ill. he started bleeding badly during his colonoscopy and they stopped because they found too many polyps to count. Pa is only getting sicker and there's nothing anyone can do about it. My brothers don't understand and they spent all day whining about how bored they were and fighting.
I also had to explain to my brothers why Greg and I broke up. I have a good idea of what happened. This is my blog. Sometimes, when I get angry, I vent in here. I would hope that people would know the difference between temporary problems and something more permanent. For example, if I were to complain about specific conditions and/or relationships over a long period of time and in the same manner for the entire time, it wouldbe safe to assume that I am unhappy. However, if I say something once about how I am dissatisfied with one aspect of a conditition/relationship and end with a "what is the point?"-style rhetorical question, it is safe to assume that I am temporarily upset and that it will all blow over in a day or two. I'm pretty sure some people don't understand that.
he who fucks nuns
will later join the church.
i should be asleep right now. i got home a little after 2 in the morning. but i have already sold my soul to the government this morning and now i'm killing time before i actually wake up.
this weekend really sucked with the exception of yesterday. i ran into andrew at barnes and noble and spent an hour listening to how he's changed (his words, and he included the phrase "aren't you proud of me?" more than once).
yesterday, i went to the movies with dylan. we saw "Batman begins" and "lords of dogtown" and then we watched "almost famous" at hs house.
i have to babysit. oh man, i'm too tired for this.
blah
i'm dyeing my hair and it smells really bad. this tuff has to be left on for 30 minutes, so i'm killing time before i can rinse and condition. i think the color is called "deep burgundy brown" which was the closest they had to black; i still have black left from when i dyed it last september.
i also bought mint chapstick, which makes me happy. i don't have to kiss greg anymore, so i don't have to keep using that cherry shit he likes.
i wish i had a job that didn't care about appearance cuz i'd dye my hair the color of my cell phone.
i went to the library so i could have something to do with my life. i actually got some books that seem like they're worth reading instead of just picking up whatever had a nice title and decent plot.
why isn't life easier?
so i just tried to fill out government crap and it sucked.
today will be long. i'm working tonight and i'm going out with michael if he remembers. otherwise, i'll just sleep. or read. those are about the only things i'm good at right now anyways. i suspect this weekend will be difficult.
i don't have anything else to say.
mercy me
insanity isn't that far away....i have a full tank (paraphrased but you ge the point)
i never wanna work again.
i'm never gonna date again.
i need to smash shit. and stop crying.
love (or a lack thereof)
so i've been thinking and i'm just making all this harder on myself. i really wish i could be ok with all this and be rational. if greg wasn't happy and didn't love me anymore, then i should be happy he told me and just move on. instead i'm sitting here crying (for the third day in a row) and wishing that monday had never happened. hell, i wish that i had never met him. that way i wouldn't have spent two good months with someone i loved and then had my heart ripped out by. sorry, i know i've been overdoing it with the clichés lately, but i'm too unhappy to think of better ways to put things.
i know that all of the sadness and pain will go away in time and i'll feel normal again. i know that in the end i'll meet someone who's right for me and loves me like i will love them. i know that this is all for the best and if he didn't love me i should be happy it's over. but i can't help thinking as i write all this that i thought greg was right for me and i thought he loved me. but i guess sometimes i'm wrong.
i know i've been bitching about this for a while and i'm really sorry. thank you to everyone who has listened to me in the past few days. i really am grateful that i have such good friends. if i didn't have you guys, i wouldn't know what to do.
oh so tired of being sick
yeah... msi was a good time until i got sick. i threw up twice last night and i feel like i'm going to again. it's awesome. well, at least i got to see a bunch of people i haven't seen in a while.
right now i feel like i'm just drifting about without purpose. i've felt like this for a long while. i just don't have anything to focus on; when i was still in school, the focus was on making it through to graduation day. now all i do is read books. i need another job or a class or something. i feel like the dorky kid at a dance who just stands in the cornere and watches everything happen cuz nobody will dance with her.
when i cheer up i'll write more about msi. it really was a good time. erik was moshing. in his "recruiter- looking for a few good men" t-shirt. and mick looked like a total poser in his polo and khaki shorts, but he was singing along. and i talked to a guy who reminded me of lucky, this icky guy from the icp house. in fact, it probably was him. and then there was this short kid with a mohawk and a lisp who was dehydrated, so i gave him half of my water. and most of the people i talked to were really nice. and i met lyn, who's really cool. and christi and pat were there too.
.
nothing much to say. long day. msi tonight. i hope its a good time. i could use a good time.
dylan listened to me all morning, for which i am thankful.
this shouldn't hurt so much.
i have alkaline trio stuck in my head. crimson is about all i've listened to in the past few days.
you know that scene in better off dead where the kid rips out his radio? i almost did that.
i don't know what to say or how to say it, but i'm going to try anyways
greg and i broke up. well, to be fair, he dumped me, and he had good reason. we broke up because of everything and nothing at the same time. we weren't connecting like before. we haven't had a real in-depth conversation since before i graduated. he was busy and stressed and i was bored and anxious. i felt like i was becoming a burden to him and he confirmed that. then he fed me the lets-still-be-friends line and we hung up.
i don't know how to feel about this. it's been a long time (if it ever actually happened) since i could be 100% me in front of a guy, and i thought greg liked me for who i am. but me being who i am is part of the reason we broke up. i should say it's for the better, that if we're so different, we should find partners more suited to our personalities, but i thought it was our differences that made us work. i saw it coming. i felt it coming. i understand why we broke up and there are very good reasons. i probably would have done it myself if he hadn't. that doesn't mean i'm not upset about it.
romance
i've never considered myself a romantic, although i am certainly not a realist when it comes to relationships. if i could, i'd find my one true love and ride off into the sunset with him and live happily ever after. if i were a realist, i would know that i will end up an old maid in a tiny apartment with lots of cats.or i'l end up marrying cale in vegas when we both turn 30, but he's a good person and i'm sure he'll find someone by then.
my idea of a good relationship is pretty simple: i want someone i can spend time with and talk to. it would be cool if i maintained a bit of independence. i want someone who will challenge me to think about ideas i haven't thought of before. i also want someone who won't be ashamed to admit they are with me. i want someone who isn't going to care that i'm not always like everyone else. i like who i am and i want other people to not have a problem with me being myself. i want someone who isn't a fraid to call me on my bullshit; however, treating me like a child is not the right way to tell me i'm wrong.
i miss having a life.
i don't do parties
Tonight I learned that I am more anti-social than I ever thought possible. Today is Greg's 20th birthday. I went to visit him. Normally, I don't have problems with groups of people. In fact, I thought it would be kind of fun to meet his friends and get to know new people. I drove down to Oshkosh and everything was okay until I was hit by an urge to hide. There were all these people I dont know sitting in the living room getting on just fine, and I was laying on Greg's bed reading a book. I went out to the kitchen, said almost nothing to anyone, at a taco, and went back in his bedroom and started reading the liner notes to the new Alkaline Trio CD. Then I started to feel like shit because I was hiding out a party for no good reason. All the people were perfectly nice, everything was fine, but I just could not bring myself to socialize. So I'm getting really upset with myself for being so fucked up and Greg comes in and asks if I'm OK because I'm worrying him. The truth is, I was worrying myself. He gave me a kiss and left to spend time with his friends in the living room where they were being perfectly normal nd having a perfectly normal party. This awful wave of self-pity hit me and I started to cry, even t5hough I know people can see me because I can see them. So I got my things and practically ran for the door, all the while perfectly aware of the fact that my behavior is most unusual. I made it to the car and almost around the block before the real sobbing began.
So now I'm sitting here digusted with myself because I'm such a freak that I can't even handle a stupid fucking party. The worst part is, this particular freak-out had to come on Greg's birthday when he had a bunch of friends over. I don't know what happened or why but I've never been so embarassed and ashamed of myself in my entire life.
people suck
so right now i'm pissy for a variety of reasons. but mostly, greg is making me angry. a lot. damn. why do i have a boyfriend if all we ever do is misunderstand each other ? fuck this. fuck everything.
just another day
so i have nothing to do. i was supposed to plant the garden again, but it's really hot outside. i went to the bank and got rid of my graduation money so i can't spend it. last night was cool. i hung out with dylan and we walked all over de pere. man i'm bored.
food coma
I am sitting here bored again. I'm trying to think of something to do or make. I want to get rid of my yarn before i have to move it all to the new house, so i'm trying to think of a project to make. In the meantime, i'll just babble on here.
Work is cool. Boring, but cool. I need something to do at work cuz theres nothing really for me to do there. I just answer phones and play solitaire for the most part. I have to write a thank-you note to molly and jan, but i'll get around to it later. man.... it's been three days since i did anything fun.
i need to find another job. but that's nothing new. i wish i could find something like the job i already have. i wish i could find something in general.
i should start thinking about greg's birthday present too. if you have ideas (nice ones, nothing dirty), leave them here.
i guess i'm wrong
it has been brought to my attention that i don't know how i'm feeling at a particular moment and i can't posssibly feel the way i say i do because it's just not right. certain other people know that i'm wrong and feel that it has to be pointed out to me no matter what. i would just like to say thanks. being told i don't know what i'm talking about is always pleasant, especially when i'm pissed off to begin with. i'll remember it next time you're pissed off.
...
I work until 8 tonight atnd then I'm calling Christi. I still have to finish cleaning my room and I'm supposed to plant the garden, but as Sam didn't bother to weed the garden and I don't have enough money to buy the plants for the garden, I'm just going to leave it for tomorrow.
I wish i was a little kid. i just want to go out and ride my bike and play at friends' houses and be a child. Instead, i am sitting here.
i wish it was august
In August, we will have our new house and I will move into the dorm. YAY! Freedom!
I want some damned ice cream. I might just take a walk and get some. Yes, that's right. Take a walk. I like to walk. However, that does require finding my headphones. Oh well. Maybe I'll go without music.
I'm BORED.
