*****

i don't do parties

Tonight I learned that I am more anti-social than I ever thought possible. Today is Greg's 20th birthday. I went to visit him. Normally, I don't have problems with groups of people. In fact, I thought it would be kind of fun to meet his friends and get to know new people. I drove down to Oshkosh and everything was okay until I was hit by an urge to hide. There were all these people I dont know sitting in the living room getting on just fine, and I was laying on Greg's bed reading a book. I went out to the kitchen, said almost nothing to anyone, at a taco, and went back in his bedroom and started reading the liner notes to the new Alkaline Trio CD. Then I started to feel like shit because I was hiding out a party for no good reason. All the people were perfectly nice, everything was fine, but I just could not bring myself to socialize. So I'm getting really upset with myself for being so fucked up and Greg comes in and asks if I'm OK because I'm worrying him. The truth is, I was worrying myself. He gave me a kiss and left to spend time with his friends in the living room where they were being perfectly normal nd having a perfectly normal party. This awful wave of self-pity hit me and I started to cry, even t5hough I know people can see me because I can see them. So I got my things and practically ran for the door, all the while perfectly aware of the fact that my behavior is most unusual. I made it to the car and almost around the block before the real sobbing began.

So now I'm sitting here digusted with myself because I'm such a freak that I can't even handle a stupid fucking party. The worst part is, this particular freak-out had to come on Greg's birthday when he had a bunch of friends over. I don't know what happened or why but I've never been so embarassed and ashamed of myself in my entire life.

posted by emma @ 9:17 PM