ill
My head still feels like it's going to implode. However, with the aid of my dear friend ibuprofen, i'm beginning to feel better. I think the fact that I have consumed vast amounts of candy has added to my speedy recovery.
I spent the day with Paul again. I've become one of those girls I never wanted to be; I folded his laundry today, and the only reason is because I love him and he asked me to. I'm going to die. I need to stop with the Paul-ness. On the plus side, we did buy pizza rolls and hang out at the BIG house. Laura and Boston were bickering as usual and they greeted us as "fat kid and fat kid's.... Emma". We watched the Steelers-Patriots game for a while (which really meant we watched Boston become upset as his favorite team lost). I had to leave to hand out candy. A cute little boy showed up dressed as a cowboy and the boy from the house behind me was a firefighter. The little girl from the house behind me was a cutesy little fairy. Then Amanda S showed up and I gave her a buttload of candy and told her my "come back when you're 18" story.
I told Boston that he's not the only one who told me to come back and talk to him when I'm 18, and he said, "Screw that. I'll be hunting you down!" I had a good laugh. When I told Paul yesterday that Boston wasn't the only guy to make an offer for the future, he said something about how if he were me, he wouldn't. I reassured him that I would never consider Boston. I don't think he was very convinced...
well, it's a nice thought...
So my horoscope for today says that I am "embroiled in a sizzling affair". How exactly do they get that? Eryc barely talks to me, and about as sizzling as Paul gets is, "do my laundry? please? I love you!" No one else will come near me until I turn 18 because boys are stupid. I'm more than slightly frustrated with the boy situation, and my horoscope is telling me that I should have a guy right now. What the hell?
if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar
'cuz I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions. This will be the last chance you get to drop my name.
Upon viewing my blog, I noticed that every quote from the last ten posts or so has been Alkaline Trio (or the Get Up Kids). I decided to remedy the situation with Taking Back Sunday.
my head is going to implode
Oh, the pressure. Sinuses going to kill me.
Other than my head hurting, I am putting off writing my college application essay. I really don't want to write about what sort of contribution I can make to St. Norbert College. Actually, I have already made a contribution. I've been serving those rich assholes food for the past two years. I think that's enough contribution. Although, if I go there, my contribution will be thousands of dollars.
That's all I have to say for now.
my week in a nutshell
So far, this is about as interesting as it has been:
1. Boston offered me a cigarette. (those who know me know I don't, nor would I, smoke)
2.Boston offered me his services once I turn 18.
3. Mick (cute new guy at work) apologized for hitting on me and said I should talk to him when I turn 18.
4.Eryc offered me a beer. (again, those who know me...)
5.Boston and Paul both told me to "go eat a cheeseburger" on separate occasions in one afternoon.
5.5. I ate a cheeseburger (two, actually).
6.If I weren't ill, I would be at the Rocky Horror Picture Show right now.
7. I went to the doctor yesterday and firstcare today for two separate ailments.
8. I (a) dated and (b) broke up with Paul.
9. Two anxiety attacks in two days.
10. I got a big hug from Mick for being a democrat.
11. I met someone (who is relatively sane) who knows Stoner Ben (Mick).
12. I threw a hissy fit about not being 18. It's getting really frustrating!
13. I got Boston to do a Taylor Hanson impersonation and a Meatloaf impersonation. (Both were scarily accurate.)
14. I almost asked Paul out again, until Cale came to my rescue and told me not to be an idiot.
15. I got completely freaked out by a Ted Bundy movie.
I think that about covers it.
i'm allergic to you.
So, I hung out with Paul today.... and now I'm sick. Again. Coincidence?
I don't know what to think anymore. He gets upset when he finds out I hang out with other guys and I'm not supposed to have a problem with the fact that he's leading me on. I'm about ready to kill him. Today, he's all like, on me. But I know he doesn't want a relationship. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the only reason he does things like asking me out is to ensure that I stay with him. That, or he really thinks that's the only reason I ended things with him before. I don't know anymore, I really don't.
My head feels like a gigantic cotton ball.
Last night, I had a Kaukauna adventure. We watched "Ghost Ship" and I ended up having an anxiety attack. Then, when I returned from the outside, where I went to recover, we watched the Ted Bundy story. Everyone thought it was pretty funny that I was freaking out. Eryc kept calling me Emmabean, which pisses me off. I know it's my screen name, but I don't go around calling him "mouthfullofpoyzon", now do I? I left early and came home. I then got bitched at by my father for no good reason. Then, I slept. This morning, I went to first care for the tingly hand problem, and they told me to go home and take advil. Well.... I give up.
*needs really strong decongestant and caffeine*
wow, today sucks already
So my right hand is numb.... Paul says I pinched a nerve. Well, whatever. Dad won't take me to get treatment, so I'm stuck with a tingly hand. I'm really scared because it's not often that normal hands just start to fall asleep for no reason.
so what do you say? your coffin or mine?
I have decided that Alkaline Trio is one of the best bands ever.
I am now waiting to go to the doctor. I'm nervous. So far, I've cleaned my car and done about eight loads of laundry. I have yet to hang the new air freshener in my car and actually clean my room. But whatever.
Paul is being close-mouthed and it's driving me nuts. Usually, he at least talks to me.
Eryc spazzed at Claire when she said I was hanging out with Paul the other night. What the hell? I asked him about it, and he acted like it was no big deal. Now I'm really confused. Why the hell can't he just say what he's thinking? Christ, boys are stupid.
Brenda and Claire are gothing themselves out tonight. I think I'm just going to be a slutty librarian. Yay for fishnets and khaki skirts!
woke up at eight and started a fire....
Had a few drinks, we all felt inspired. Jumped in the lake with shoes and canteens the water was bitter cold. *Now I've moved on to the Get Up Kids*
Tonight, if I am not gravely ill, I am planning a trip to Kaukauna with Claire. She and Brenda are going goth, so I think I'll wear one of my pretty dresses with my boots and call it a costume.
I am currently trying to avoid cleaning my room. I am doing laundry, and I can't really clean until all the clothes are off the floor. So I figure I've got another 45 minutes or so to just bum around online.
Last night, I called Paul to see how his paper was going, and he hadn't even started it. He sounded really weird and now I'm worried about him (but I guess that's nothing new).
I think that's about all I have to say for the time being.
it's dark here, you know that i'm scared too
Again, this Alkaline Trio thing has to stop. It's almost of Taking Back Sunday proportions.
Well, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I've been getting stress headaches and my breasts hurt. Also, there is an inflamed lymph node in my cheek that hurts terribly. I'm a little scared.
Today when we went to eat at Bon Orient, Paul quoted my blog and attributed it to an unknown source. So he doesn't want me reading his blog, but it's perfectly okay for him to read mine, even though I have told him more than once that I don't want him to.
In other news, Paul and I hung out with Boston today. Boston is one of the coolest and most intimidating people I have ever met. He is about 6'4'', stocky, and has the longest hair I have ever seen on a man. He says he looks like Taylor Hanson after ten years of hard drinking. We listened to cds of phone calls and the Dropkick Murphys. Then we played cards on the bar in the BIG house basement, and he offered me his services when I turn 18. It was a good time. And he's going to be in the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Historic West on Saturday. I really wanna go!
It's just a jump to the left...
time hasn't told me much, and neither has she
I need to dig out the Miles Davis, but it's at Paul's. Grr. I'm in the mood to just go out and take a walk, but there's no one to walk with. I'm getting a little bored and lonely sitting at home, but there's not much I can do about it. Soon, I have to leave for the DECA thingy. I don't want to do the DECA thingy, so I think I'll just wander around town for a while instead.
just me and my oatmeal
I did a lot of thinking last night.... and I still don't have any answers. So whatever. No more of this. Paul gave me two weeks to figure things out, so I'm going to take those two weeks and figure things out. But for now, it's just me and my peaches and cream oatmeal.
-i was getting bored with hurting myself-
So I've spent the last day listening to Alkaline Trio.
Anyways, I broke up with Paul last night. It's for good this time, I promise. Cale and I decided that it is time for me to stop hurting myself and pursue an actual relationship. So I have to talk to Eryc eventually, but I don't want to call because he doesn't pick up his damned phone anyways. I dunno.... I feel better, but I still can't help feeling like shit. Not only is this the second time I've gotten myself into such a situation in the past six months, it's the second time Paul has been involved in one of my colossal fuck-ups. Poor guy. I think it's time he takes a break from my dramas.
Grr. Alkaline Trio is burned into my brain. I can't get rid of it!
i'm soooooooooooo tired.....
Well, the past few days have sucked balls. I got into a big fight with Amanda over something I didn't do. I started dating Paul; even though I love him, I honestly feel like I'm making the worlds biggest mistake and I know I'm going to regret breaking up with him if I do. So why am I still putting off calling Eryc? Help. Please?
School bites ass and I'm putting of the finishing college applications.
On the plus side, I think Beth is going to get me wasted this weekend.
i'm a pirate
So shitloads of stuff happened this weekend, and I will now try to explain.
Claire and I went to Taco John's Saturday night and bought potato oles. We took them to a park and started calling everyone we knew and saying, "i'm a pirate". Then, we got a call from Eryc and John. They came into town and we hung out. Eryc kissed me on the cheek (he got more hair than cheek as it was windy) and I went home. Yesterday, Claire and I hung out after work. We went to the park and then screamed at Andrew for a while. Then, we hung out with Paul. This was about the time I figured out that Paul is about the only one I want to be with. I dropped Claire off at home and went back to Paul's. We talked for a while, and decided to date. I have a boyfriend.
So after that, I went home and tried to sleep, but then Kristi called. So I talked to this girl whom I have nothing in common with except Andrew for a few minutes. Then I slept.
Sooooo tired. Wanna sleep.
yay! progress!
So Claire is going through my purse insisiting that I have drugs. Yep, that's right, I'm a crackhead.
We're going to Taco John's. Yay! Claire's whining because she has to put pants on.
Eryc actually put his arm around me last night and we cuddled for a while. He's a really sweet guy and he gives good hugs and good massages. So yeah, I guess he does like me.
Alex Meier is in town!!!! I've missed that kid so much. Next year is going to be kickass in Milwaukee.
It's taco time!
'twas a mantastic day.
Yesterday, Cliff and Michael and I spent the day checking out guys at the One-Act play competition. Unfortunately, none of them liked
me. Life goes on.
I have to work tonight, and after that I'm going to do tons of latework. I really have to start remembering my homework. Tomorrow, Claire and I are going shopping for costumes with Paul and maybe Dan. Adreanne and Amanda S might come along too. I think I'm going to be a playboy bunny.
Oh, I forgot. Michael gave me a new nickname: the walking, talking clitoris. Yep, that's right. Well, his new nickname is the walking, talking hard-on, so we're even.
wow. teenage angst. yeah.
So my friend's girlfriend is cheating on him and he doesn't care. I give up.
Paul told me he loves me in a romantic way. Not happening. He's only jealous becuase I like another guy.
I am iming Eryc and Dylan right now. Dylan's really upset. I'm worried.
I can't believe Eryc is actually talking to me. He's gonna call later! Yay!
pretty colored dots...
I got bored. I changed my template. This one is prettier than the pink one.
welcome back to the seventh grade
I feel like I am at a middle school dance. All my friends are pushing me at a boy I like, and all his friends are pushing him at me. Poor Claire and John. They have to do all the work!
Eryc was too shy to kiss me goodbye last night because he didn't think I was into him and was afraid of getting rejected. I didn't think he was into me, so I didn't take matters into my own hands as I am prone to doing. He'll never call and I'll be stuck here, too much of a pussy to get his number and call him.
I swear to God, I have reverted to thirteen years old.
nothing to do
I'm really bored. I can't leave my house because my dad has claimed the car for today (although he's just sitting downstairs with grandpa). I'm stuck here bored out of my skull because no one else has a car either, except Paul who is too busy to spend time with me anymore since he knows he's not getting in my pants. I need something to do!
may i see your license?
On our way back from our Kaukauna adventure, Claire and I got pulled over. I accidentially went straight in the left-turn lane. Oops. I wasn't ticketed; the officer was being nice, so I got a verbal warning. Claire and I were freaking out. We couldn't find my registration and I barely pulled the fuzzbuster velcro off my dash before he got to the car.
I blame Eryc. He's so confusing. I don't understand him at all. Claire says he's interested, but he didn't even seem to notice me until five minutes before we left. Then I was flirting like crazy and he had no choice but to flirt back. When we left, he gave me hug, but he stood a foot away from me too. We rented a scary movie, and I get scared easily, so what does he do? He moves away from me on the couch when it starts. However, he was an inch away during SLC Punk (my new favorite movie). He's a confusing kid. I honestly don't know what he's thinking.
i'm a loser
So I'm sitting on my ass im-ing PJ. It's kinda fun, actually. We bitch about not having boyfriends or girlfriends. I told him about the Eryc thing and he seems totally for it, so let's hope tomorrow isn't as scary as my imagination is making it.
I tried to visit Ben, but he wasn't working. I miss Ben. I miss PJ too. And Cale. But I doubt I will see any of them anytime soon. Oh well. My adventure tomorrow should more than make up for it. I can't believe I'm so nervous. I wasn't like this on the day I met Andrew, nor was I like this on any other day because of any other guy.
I give up.
oh yes it's ladies' night
Tonight, I will be sitting around on my ass doing laundry and watching television. Tomorrow, I will work, shower, and drive off to Kaukauna to hang out with Claire, Jon, Brenda, Jeff, and Eryc. He called last night and wants to hang out, so I said sure.
The best thing I've heard in a long time- "I'm listening to ani defranco. does that make me a lesbian?" Cale, I love you.
I am a little scared about this hanging out with Eryc thing. He seems really nice, but what if he's just an asshole. Then I'd be stuck in Kaukauna because I can't leave without my friends and they're not going to want to leave their boyfriends. Boys are too confusing. Eryc doesn't seem interested ("someone told me I should call you"), but he got really excited when I said I would hang out with him on saturday.
To make things better, I now have a crush on another one of Paul's friends. Dan is really cool and really fun and kinda cute too. However, I'm going to ignore that I like him because I shouldn't even think about getting on another one of Paul's friends.
I've said enough.
boys like you are a dime a dozen
So Claire introduced me to this cool guy named Eryc. He didn't seem very interested at first, but then he gave me a hug when it was time to go. I don't know what to think. Should I keep my boy-shopping appointment on Friday with Chelle or just place my bets on this guy? Well, I'm thinking Paul and I are on our way to being cool. I really don't want to become Frankie and I value his friendship too much to continue the way we were. We saw American English at the college last night. It was good fun. I got hit on by a high school junior and Amy Lou and Lord Byron were there. Plus, the band was really good. All in all, I think things are looking up.
we're just protecting ourselves from ourselves
Paul and I did the "breaking up" thing last night. Agh. I give up. He feels like he's using me and I feel like he just gets my hopes up and lets me back down. I miss talking to him already. I hope we can still be friends. I just felt like I was turning into Frankie and he kept acting like he wanted a relationship and then telling me differently. It's for the best I guess. If we let things continue I would've fallen in love and he would not have returned my affections and I would be heartbroken later instead of just hurt now. Where are the decent ones?
I wrote this last night.
Every time I think I'm rid of something, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Paul and I were talking about something and it reminded me of Andrew. This is slightly upsetting for numerous reasons. Andrew is no longer a part of my life. I have changed a great deal since he and I dated. I prefer the person I am now, and, truth be told, I'm not especially fond of him anymore either. This is perhaps the most painful part, as it is difficult to deal with knowing that someone I once cared for has become someone whose presence can make me fill physically ill. He certainly wasn't the one who changed me. However, I am the one who changed him. This makes me feel guilty whenever something comes up that reminds me of him because it reminds me that I made a person become bitter, immoral, and violent. I wish I could erase everything and pretend it never happened. Make sense?
just when you think things are going to be ok
Lots to tell, as usual. I'm going to visit the psycho on Sunday just to see my brothers. I promised Charlie we'd go for a bike ride. I don't know what to do with Abe. And I can't figure out how to do paragraphs, so just deal with the big huge block of writing. Mom drives me nuts and I hate her. Dad is a happy drunk who hasn't been drunk in a while. Sam's become an asshole, Grandpa is crazy, and Paul and PJ won't get me stoned. Grr. Amanda's gone nutty too. She's found herself a fuckbuddy. She convinced me to flirt with him online one night to mess with his head. The next day he im'ed me and continued to flirt (I didn't flirt back). She calls and says, "Emma are you going to fuck him or are you just playing along? It's mean of you to tease him like that". I wanted to hurt her. Sometimes, she's just,well,..... you get it. Sometimes everyone is just, well.... I hate everything.
