all better
i'm hopefully taking the night job at my current place of business instead of getting fired.
guy drove his adorable ass out here just to give me a hug. <3
i'm not exactly a redhead anymore. i dyed it brown. the red still comes through a little though. i'm not very good with hair dye.
i saw my cat. he's the most adorable cat in the world.
i'm going home tomorrow. i can't be here anymore.
i need a job.
i got fired. well technically they want me to work full time nights and i said i'd try it, but basically i'm not working anymore. unless i can work full time there is no longer a position for me at marriage and family.
today might just go down in the books as the shittiest day ever.
p.s. panic attacks are fun! i've had three in the last 18 hours or so.
road trip
i'm going to madison for cale's birthday. next week tuesday i'm leaving but i'll be back on thursday. i'm excited beyond all reason. as i've probably said to anyone who'll listen, cale is freakin' awesome and i haven't seen him since my birthday last february. so yes. there will be a road trip. and it will rock.
in other news, i can't be here for another day. i'll seriously flip out. i had two count them two panic attacks today because of my brothers. their constant screaming is driving me INSANE. tomorrow i'm coming into town for the morning just to take a minibreak from people. i planned on dying my hair and stuff but now i may have to save the cash for next week. oh well. my roots can wait.
this one's for joe
per request...
Guy and I are back together!
are you happy now?
time for an update
well since i posted last there have been a few new developments (<3). i killed my shoulder saturday night. i was absolutely sober, so i don't know how i hurt it. on the plus side, santa came early. and when he came for real, i got some skanky-ass velour tracksuits from my dad and a coat/hat/glove combo from mom which make me look decidedly russian. i'm at my mom's this week watching my brothers and taking care of her while she recovers from surgery. so far, i've watched mtv, played tricky triangle, yelled at my brothers, read a book, and talked on the phone with guy. guy's been the hilight of the week so far. i want to go home and see my friends and play with my cat, but i'm here instead. later this week, there will be shopping and hopefully going home by friday or saturday at the latest.
if you want to get in touch with me, the best way to do so is my cell phone for the next few days. i won't be online very often and i probably won't get to see anyone.
<3
awesomeness.
so last night was purely awesome. i worked and then i went to smokey bones with alex. while at smokey bones, we ran into joshie, an old friend of mine. joshie then accompanied us to barnes and noble and the blackstone. it was amazingly fun. alex and i listened to alkaline trio in my car which made it even better. i dont know why i think last night was so cool, but it really was.
and on sunday, the producers opens! anyone who wants to join us, we're going to the late showing. and then it's off to find a christmas miracle!
call me a safe bet
i'm bored. and i'm quickly becoming a cat lady. i need a man. badly.
tomorrow, i'm going to be alex's groupie. then im working. i wanna go to the library too andget some christmas shopping done hopefully.
well i'm off to make a tshirt and talk to my college friends before i go crazy without them.
new man
i have a new man in my life. his name is moon shadow and he's about 3 months old. he's black with greenish yellow eyes. he slept in my bed last night. and he's the cutest kitten in the whole wide world. and he loves me.
we just got him last night. he's seriously the cutest thing ever. i really didn't think i'd like having a cat but i really like this one.
anyone who sees this today and has free time should call me cuz i want out of my house. this means you alex. and anyone else who wants to call.
rock and roll music
i'm at home now. in fact, i'm listening to the beatles on vinyl. "beatles' 65" is possibly my all time favorite album.
lots of things have happened since i last posted, so i'll try to fill you in on everything. I got really really sick on tuesday and i'm just starting to feel better now. today is the first time since i got sick that i can actually move my neck. i moved home, which was kind of nice. i get hot showers in a private bathroom and don't have to sleep through lauren staying up all night ten feet from my head, which is pretty nice too. on the downside, my dad is living up to his title and won't let me go out until he has deemed that i have made a full recovery, which means not this weekend.
today i get to set up the christmas tree and we're getting a cat. cats attack me. i'm allergic to them. this isn't a good idea. why couldn't we just get a nice dog?
so this week i work until 8 every night. next week i'm going to be playing caretaker to my mother, which blows because it would be nice to see my friends over their break. and my mom's a raving bitch, which will be made worse by the painkiller/alcohol concotion she'll be downing all day. on the plus side, i'll have three weeks of pure nothing after that. i'm going to try to get more afternoon work time because i really do want to see myt friends over this break, and no one can do anything during the day when i have nothing to do.
in conclusion, i'm going stir crazy sitting on my ass all day and someone should call/visit and keep me company. but dad says not until i get better for the visits.
it's gonna be one of those nights...
again, my head hurts. again, i just want someone to lie (lay? i'm a little rusty on the grammar) next to me and snuggle. it's cold and dark and a movie is on. i just want to share it with someone. but i really think it's about time that i give up on that wish.
love is a disappointment. honestly, if you've dated me, you may not want to read on. a lot of times i feel like i find someone and it's great for a while, and then something happens. usually it's a me thing, like with greg; it was my fault. i am hard to handle. i can understand that. sometimes, it's not my fault. and it hurts a little more when it's not. really i wish i could just find someone who isn't going to be an ass or emotionally distant or just want a quick fuck. everytime i think i've found that person, he does something dumb. like not picking up his goddamned cell phone cuz he's too busy getting high. it's really disappointing and really hurtful. and it still hurts a little. but what can you do? life goes on and i will live to spend another night (or a thousand) alone in my bed. until i find that person who is willing to put up with my moods and be there for me when i need them, i'm going to be alone and i'll just have to like it.
i'm tired and a little sick and feeling really isolated. all i can say is i won't apologize for how i feel ever again. and i won't compromise. so this is how it's gonna be. i'm sick of feeling like this. really, someone just make it stop? wave a magic wand or something? anyone? anyone?
......
i didn't think so.
my head hurts
things i learned this weekend:
1. beer= icky
2. boys=confusing (but that's nothing new)
3. work= bad
4. cars=painful when you hit your head on them
5. sleep= the best thing ever
6. my mother= crazy drunken bitch
that's it.
time to study. everyone loves bicameralism!
this is just a reminder about your appointment.
i'm at work. all my papers except one are done for the semester. i have four exams and one paper and then i don't have to think until january. my ten page paper on women and islam is finished. my 8 page paper on women's history is finished. my 6 page paper on muslim profiling is done. one more paper on violent media and i'm done with papers. i don't want to think anymore. So tonight is the big night for amy, which means i have to stay in the dorm. i guess i shouldn't complain because it will be good to go to bed early. i have a big day tomorrow with work and seeing greg i think and studying for exams. i don't want to think anymore. i don't know what else i can say about that.
stuff
so i don't have a lot to say. school is rally really stressful right now. i still have to write like 7 pages of a research paper for friday and a 4-6 page paper for tomorrow. other than that, not much going on. this weekend should be good though. amy and clint sittin' in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g. watchin' movies with the lovebirds friday night. saturday i think i'm hanging out with greg.
i hate homework. after i'm done with that, it's on to studying for exams. fuck. college sucks.
insomnia
i want to sleep but i can't and it sucks.
i don't feel good.
i don't know waht to say anymore. stuff is exploding. i don't like it. i just want to be happy again and i'm not. i just want to cuddle and sleep and watch movies but there's no one to cuddle with and no movies are on and sleep isn't happening. im just gonna sit here for a while and deal with it.
or i'm going to lie down and face the wall. one ofthe two.
ugh. i give up. even i'm sick of me right now.
but i can't change. i've tried. this is just who i am right now. i guess i'll just learn to love myself or some bullshit like that. cuz no one else is gonna love me. that much is obvious.
it's cold
it's cold everywhere. it's cold in my car, it's cold outside, it's cold in my office. can i have summer back now please?
so yes. bitchy. again. guess what? i don't give a shit. i'm gonna be bitchy and selfish and there's not a damned thing anyone can do about it. i've tried very very hard to be not crazy in the face, but it's not working, so whatever. you'll get the emma who's willing to deal with everyone's shit and smile while doing it when the emma who replaced the old model gets her freakin' medication. until then, yeah. what you see is what you get, and i look like a crazy person.
i hate the holidays. it always has the effect of making everyone (myself included) go a little funny. you see, you get the people who are really obnoxiously filled with holiday spirit. they make me want to stab them with a candy cane and watch blood drip down their reindeer sweater. and then you get grinches, who make everyone else miserable. not even i am that bad. these are the sort of people who ruin christmas for all. like my mother. she ruins the janssen family christmas every year without fail. she's getting really good at it. and then there are the people like me who just dread the idea of dealing with family and cheesy holiday shit for the months of october, november, and december. i can tell you right now it's gonna be very merry christmas in the bellin household.
and between now and december 16, all i can afford to worry about is school. i do care about you all (well.... most of you all) but i just can't worry about you and everything else right now, ok?
sleeepy time.
so today was nice.
i saw rent. again.
and i went to luna with amy and katie, the bestest girls ever.
and i ate a cinnamon roll and a peppermint hot chocolate.
and then i came home and everything went to shit. again.
moral of the story: stay out of the dorm? or maybe stay off campus all together?
madison is more tempting every day. cale, ready the music, i'm coming down!
shut up and go die somewhere
if you think the above statement is directed at you, you're probably right.
so talking to cale all the damned time is definately rubbing off on me. i definately have that whole i hate the world yet love everyone at the same time thing going on right now. the few people i honestly never hate at all right now are my snc friends (amy, melissa, anne, lauren, people i see a lot and spend much time with including the entirety of my 5 o clock and rachel and hardcorejames from psych), cale, alex, greg (well i hate him for like 2 minutes and then i realize that he's not the asshole so i shouldn't be mad at him), and that's seriously it. no lie. everyone else sucks.
consider this post the equivalent of me flicking everyone off.
