don't let it go to your head.
I got accepted to UW- Milwaukee. I just don't really know if that's where I want to go. I don't really want to go anywhere, to tell you the truth. New York sounds nice, but no college.
Dr. West wants to discuss forgiving my mother. Considering she didn't invite me to her Thanksgiving dinner, I don't think that's going to happen. In fact, I feel like being an unforgiving bitch to everyone. Why the hell not? I give everyone about eight million chances and then they screw me over in the end. And then I'm a bad person for not giving them another chance.
That's all I feel like saying.
wow and stuff
This past week or so had been nuts. I've been hanging out with Mick, which is causing some troubles with his girlfriend and my Paulie. Oh well. Nothing good will come of it. I spent most of the afternoon trying to convince Mick's girlfriend person that he and I aren't having some sort of sordid affair.
Paul is worrying me and he doesn't seem to care that I want to know what's going on with him. We talked today, and he said something about how I've been behaving stupidly. I then held my tongue and listened to what he had to say. I think we're on our way to being ok again.
I hung out with Dylan Friday night. We had lots of fun. Last night, I went to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat with two girls from work. It was awesome and I'm so jealous of Xavier's theatre.
Other than that, I feel like I'm hanging on to sanity by a (rapidly fraying) thread. But that's nothing new...
fuck everything
Does that sound a little harsh? Well, too damn bad. Shit sucks. I haven't had a decent conversation with my best friend since she left, my love life is nonexistant, my other best friend has morphed into an asshole, school is a waste of time, and nothing seems to work. This is it. I give up. I want to curl into a small ball and stay that way for a very long time. Maybe when I uncurl, things will be better.
getting slightly pissed off
So I am supposed to be hanging out with Paul right now. But since he has apparently blown me off, I am sitting at my computer waiting for dinner so I can go do a goddamn group project that was assigned today and is due tomorrow. Paul and I used to be really close, but we haven't spoken in a week. He's changing, which I guess is understandable because in college. However, blowing me off after hardly speaking to me in over a week is unacceptable. Now is when I get pissed.
WELL.... he finally called. He lost his phone or some shit. We're hanging out friday instead.
my very first tip
I got a tip today! Woo Hoo! Forty-two cents!
So the psychologist is pretty cool. He talks down to me less than I thought he would. However, my ultimate goal is to not need a psychologist or medication. I wanna feel like I can be happy and anxiety-free without help.
My social life is picking back up, if not in the way I want it to. I get to see Paulie tomorrow and Michael and I are hanging out on Saturday. I work on Friday with Mick. He's taken to calling me "poor little emo girl." I really miss Amanda, but I think some of the girls at work would be pretty cool to hang out with. Tara, Tracy and Emily are loads of fun. Tracy and I have plans for seeing Rocky Horror and Tara and I have a handshake. Emily and I do crazy stuff together when we work. Things are just generally less lonely than they were. I'm still looking for a boyfriend, but I'll live without one.
I found out that UWM is the devil. They lost my ACT transcript, and that's why I haven't heard from them. I got the nicest letter of recommendation from Betty. She's such a sweetheart. My St. Norbert application should be processing and I'll hear back from them soon too. Hopefully I'll know where I'm going by December.
lucy in the sky...
I have to bring Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for Mrs. Bienash's English 10 students tomorrow. Why didn't they do cool shit like that when I was a sophmore?
This is the thrid night in a row where I've sat in front of my computer staving off anxiety attacks by talking to Cale and playing on Kingdom of Loathing.com. I have an appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I'm getting kinda nervous, but it'll be ok.
I a buttload to do, but it's all being put off so I can watch the Birdcage in a half hour. Yay!
when i grow up, i wanna be a hobo
At least they don't have to work. I'm currently on a two-hour break between the lunch and dinner shifts in the caf. I hate my job. But then again, today I really don't like much. On the plus side, I worked with Mick this morning. He is really nice and really cute. We like a lot of the same music, so we have stuff to talk about. However, there is no way in hell anything will come of it because I'm not 18 and he's interested in a different girl.
Other than that.... no news is good news, I guess.
oh so tired of being sick
Work is the devil. It is exactly for this reason that I will be hauling my ass to the mall soon to look for a job. I like my job at St. Norbert, but it's not giving me enough money. So I'm going to get another job.
I want to go have fun tonight, but everyone already has other plans. So I guess I'll spend another night sitting on my ass. Well, at least I can go job hunting. Tomorrow I work all day so it won't be so lonely.
I want to give up on everything. I'm really frustrated with school, work sucks, and my personal life is nonexistent. I sit around on my ass at home, I sit around on my ass at school, and I work three days a week; other than that, I sleep. I need to change something and I don't know what. I'm also missing having a boyfriend. It's been three months since Andrew and I broke up, and every prospect I've had since then hasn't worked out. I miss having someone there for me when I need them.
On that note... I'm going to clean up and get a job.
yep. sitting home alone on a friday. i'm a loser.
So there's nothing to do and I'm going slightly crazy. Oh well. Talking to Dylan seems to be helping. People are angering me. I'm supposed to stay home tonight, but no one else is here. Also, everyone at my house has been treating me like some sort of animal. Don't piss her off, she might have a breakdown!
I have an exciting weekend planned. I work tomorrow and Sunday. Also, I have no plans to do anything but homework and college applications.
I'm seriously considering going to sleep soon.
spent the night lit listening to miles davis
I got my Miles Davis cd back from Paul. While we were retrieving it from the BIG house, we came across Harmony, who proceded to tell me all about how she came to teach at school with a hangover from "martini afternoon" and "marguarita night". Wow, the quality of public education.
I got a haircut today. Now I'm kinda cute.
I haven't had nearly as many anxiety attacks since I started Zoloft. However, my pupils seem to be dialated in that creepy, David Bowie sort of way permanently. I'm also incredibly wired. I can hardly sleep at night, but that doesn't really matter. I'm wide awake all day!
I'm getting pissed at Paul. He basically wants to fuck around and be able to come back to me. Not happening. Right now or never. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not going to wait around forever and do his laundry and keep him happy just so he can lead me on. I'm not doing this to myself!
On that note, it's time to go boy shopping again...
spent the night lit listening to miles davis
unable to be upset...
So I know that if I wasn't on antidepressents, I would be unhappy right now. Paul decided "if it's meant to be, it will be." and for now, we're taking a break. I fucking let him walk right over me because I care for him. I don't know why I do this to myself, but it sucks. He used me, he's happy. I cared for him, I got burned. The worst part is, I'm not even mad at him. I'm mad at myself!
My candidate lost and it sucks. It's my future and I couldn't even help decide it. So the next four years are going to be worse than the last, and I can't fix it.
It's a pissy sort of day.
i'm not o-fucking-kay
As it turns out, I have panic disorder. I have to take Zoloft and see a counseler. Also, my doctor thinks it would be a good idea for me to go to family counseling with dad. Well, now at least I can get back to being normal.
Well, now I'm talking to my little brother. Sam and I get along sometimes. He thinks the whole medication thing is kinda funny. Well, he's 15. I don't expect him to understand.
my baby's good to me
i can't fix myself and it's really getting scary. my hands and feet are tingling, and i can't fix it. i'm having a major anxiety attack, and nothing i do makes it better. i have to go to school, and i'm shaking (i was hyperventillating, so i used my inhaler) and near tears. i was crying for about 10 minutes on the phone with Paul, who is being really good about this. he just keeps talking to me and trying to make things better. i owe him for being so cool with my psychotic episodes.
i'm starting to calm down, but for how long? i can usually make it through a school day without freaking out, (i did yesterday) but what if i can't ? what do i do then? excuse myself from class and go cry in the bathroom?
i'm scared. that's what it comes down to.
i should've stayed in bed.
so now i'm having another anxiety attack. this has got to stop.
it used to take so much more...
I'm getting really frustrated with the entire world. Choir sucks balls and I really wish I could just never go back there ever again. I used to love singing and performing with the group, but now it really sucks. All that ever happens is we get bitched at because the sophmores don't know how to shut up, the sopranos are flat, and no one studies their music properly. I almost wish we weren't going to Carnegie Hall. Fuck it.
I have to work in less than an hour. On the plus side, if I had anything to do, I could go out because classes don't start until 10:20 for upperclassmen tomorrow. I've been eating myself sick on candy for the past half hour or so, which ought to make work a little more interesting.
Well, I guess you could say I'm a little bit crabby right now....
