so everyone's pissed and i don't care
Trevor- this post is to you.
I'm not saying you're a bad person. Hell, I'm not even trying to make you feel bad. But don't bitch about how bored you are sitting around but you don't want to move, and then say the only way you're going to lose weight is to cut off a chunk. You know that's not right. You know there are more proactive ways of doing things. I'm not saying they're any better, but you can't whine about how you think you're fat but not do anything about it. Diets are all well and good but exercise is still a vital part of healthy weight loss. It really bothers me that you complain about your weight and then sit there and say you would rather sit on your ass doing nothing than do something to make yourself feel better.
In addition, don't tell me about losing weight. I used to be fat. Fuck, Trevor, people called me thunderthighs. The only reason I look the way I do is because I've grown six inches. I haven't gained any weight since the fifth grade. I've had weight issues (both being fat and having an eating issue) and I know it sucks. But you can't sit around complaining to people about it. At least not to me.
all or nothing at all
So I'm feeling a little jazzy today (I'm listening to Sarah Vaughn). It's kinda chilly and windy out today, but it's still an improvement over winter.
Again, I'm feeling sorta lonely. Michael and I bitching about how we want men, not boys didn't really help either. Oh well. I'll get over it. I always do.
So I went to coffee today and had a good time reading a strange book. Then I came home and talked to Michael. Now I'm killing time until I have to leave for work.
is that what you call a getaway? tell me what you got away with.
mmmmm.... rainy night music. funny thing is, i'm listening to taking back sunday right now (i know the quote is brand new, it was playing in my car).
so i went for a walk today with dylan. it was really nice. all that enjoying nature stuff. we walked somewhere around four miles on the fox river trail. then we sat in my car enjoying heat from the sun and listening to the wind blow outside my car. so the only way it could have been more perfect was if i had been with a boy who was interested in me as more than a friend.... i'm sick of being falsely accused of being in a relationship. i miss having someone to tell everything to and talk about things with late at night and be happy with and such. *lonely*
and there's one boy who still confuses me more than anyone else...
pleasant
Today has been pleasant (ignoring the bit at the doctor's). I did a whole lot of nothing. I love the 80s was on for like three hours and that kept me occupied. The weather was spectacular. I can't wait for tomorrow. Wow. I feel like I'm back on Zoloft.
Work was ok. They forgot to turn off the heat, so we were all sweating like pigs, but we didn't actually do much work. The count was near 200, which is less than half of the usual count. Rae Marie and Lyn were fighting in the dishroom, which kept all of us occupied for a while. Amanda and I spent most of the night walking around and talking to Nancy. I only have another month or so left at my job, so I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts.
I like break.
spring break would be cooler if i wasn't sitting at home
i'm bored. i'm sitting here watching "i love the 80s strikes back". yeah, it's cool.
i have to work tonight. i don't wanna.
i went to get an ultrasound today. that was loads of fun. now i feel violated and my boobs are kinda sticky from the goop.
i <3 chocolate
The best thing about Easter is candy. And buffets.
Buffets are the best thing almost every day.
I wanna talk to people. There's no one online. If you read this sometime tonight and you have my cell phone number, you should call.
So last night I went out with Trevor and Dylan. It was good fun, especially the part where we ran over a keyboard in the middle of Trevor's street. Then they made me watch anime. I had a headache most of the time, so I was kinda bitchy. Sorry guys.
I'm trying really hard to avoid going down and getting the chocolate bunny from my basket.
happy things
www.karljanssen.commy uncle is supercool and very talented. he has cool pictures of bejing too.
beautiful day
so far today has been quite beautiful but exceptionally boring. my head hurts. a lot. it's sort of a combination migraine/sinus headache thing. oh well. i get chocolate tomorrow and that will solve the world's problems.
i wanna go outside and play but there's nobody to play with. plus, the headache is making me dizzy so walking any distance alone is probably a bad idea.
it's all sunny and happy in my neighborhood. all the neighbors have their grandchildren around, so there are a lot of kids riding bicycles across the street. everyone is taking their classic cars out for the first time since fall and motorcycles are out too. most of the snow is gone. i didn't even wear a jacket when i went out to run errands. i love this time of year.
so you're 18, catholic, single, and you need an ultrasound?
Monday morning i have to have an ultrasound on my breasts. Cuz this makes sense.
I had a nice night, and now my brain feels like it's been fried. I sat in a basement and looked at the shiny ceiling. And the santa.
Michael and I went shopping. Keef was working, so I said hi to him. Now I'm home talking to Joe and Trevor and PJ and Dylan.
Not much to say...
freunde, wasser machet shtum
at least i think that's how it's spelled. yay for shitty german duets about drinking! i have a choir concert tonight, which makes me want to hide under the covers. singing is just not what i want to do right now. well, unless it's stuff i want to sing. trust me, german songs about singing don't fall into that category.
i talked to michael today. it wasn't a very pleasant conversation. he told me that tony, a guy we were close to a couple of years back, is leaving for afghanistan today. will leaves in early april. as you can imagine, no one was quite happy today. i'm worried about michael; he and will are really close and just the prospect of will leaving kills him. poor kid. a brother and a friend both overseas.
other than that, life will go on. tomorrow is movie day at trevor's (we're gonna watch the notebook) and thursday night i'm hanging out with dylan. friday i get to see amanda and she and i are going to visit the joann's cuz it's the first day they're open and dylan is working cash register. he made me promise to stop by. friday is the first day of spring break and i can't wait. dylan and i are planning a movie day; i'm making him watch all my favorite old movies and by the time we're through he'll know who fred astaire and ginger rogers are. plus, an entire day of junk food and escapist movies is just what we both need. trevor and i are going to try to have a movie day, but i'm not sure how that'll work because i don't know when i'm sheduled next week.
well, i'm off. time to eat and get ready to sing.
yay! pink pants!
my favorite aunt gave me pink pants! yay!
i'm sick i think.... nothing new. i go to the doctor on thursday morning.
trev121086: even the ancient celtic gods agree that i need sex.
poor trevor.
demontheses14: and the wench gets the smack down she deserves
yay dylan!
so i guess lots of people are reading my blog. hi to all of you i haven't spoken to in ages who read this and report back about it.
i guess that's all for now
senior ball and good things like that
Saturday was loads of fun. After I got my ass kicked at solo ensemble, I went to Claire's house and we got all prettied up for senior ball. Then we went and got Trevor and did the whole eating-out thing. After that, we went to the dance and had an awesome time sitting about and dancing a little. The highlight of the evening came when Dylan told Crazy Lady to go away and she made a big scene.
a little message to an old friend...
some items that need to be resolved:
1. Mick is not a replacement for Paul. Dylan is. He is a good friend who doesn't lie to me.
2. I stopped speaking to Paul for a reason. Given the circumstances, I feel I had every right to be angered and I doubt that I'll ever be able to speak to him civilly again.
3. I don't appreciate hearing from Mick that Paul and I are still friends and we talk regularly when this is obviously untrue (dare I say impossible).
4. I don't give a fuck what people think about Christi because she is my friend and I don't think she's a bitch.
and my last point...
5. When people use me and lie about their feelings for me, I get angry. In fact, thinking about it makes me so angry that I shake. I don't forgive what said person has done to me, and I certainly won't forget it.
blah
wow... work is a good time when everyone is mildly hungover. katie told me all about her upcoming break and eric told me about checking out a girl's thong.hahaha. sometimes i enjoy the caf. *gushes* eric is cute and nice. i think i have a crush on that kid.
anyways, i dunno what to say. pj is unhappy, alex is unhappy, trevor is unhappy, everyone's unhappy because of love. i give up. fuck romance. fuck love. fuck affection and sweetness and companionship. i'm done. no more.
needgirlscoutcookies
My dad bought girl scout cookies. They're temporarily becoming comfort food and replacing my need for male companionship. The rest of this will be random lonely bitching Cale-style.
I need a guy who:
1. will not be afraid to be who he is, even if that contrasts with who I am. I don't want a guy who will pretend to agree with me so that we won't argue.
2. is not afraid of me. A guy who would be comfortable holding hands with me while I skip down the street. I know it's silly, but so am I and any guy I'm with needs to be comfortable with that.
3. will challenge what I believe in. Smart guys are definately cool and guys who will challenge why I think the way I do are definetely attractive.
4. can understand where I'm coming from on certain subjects and not press the matter. Not that I expect a guy to change himself for me, but I won't do certain things and prefer to not be around it.
I'm just really lonely. I haven't had a proper boyfriend since before July and I just miss being in love. It's not fun to be the only one who can't find a guy. The only guys that like me are the ones I don't like, and everytime I find a guy I like something happens and I end up alone. Is it that hard to find a guy? Seriously, what am I doing wrong?
work and other things
I saw
Jekyll and Hyde Friday night with Mick and Emily. It was super awesome. I'm so proud of Michael.
Friday Dani went psycho on Trevor and Dylan for being my friends. Haha. Drama rules!
Work sucks, so I'm applying at Wet Seal in the mall. I'm a little freaked out at the possibility of working at one of those icky popular-type stores, but oh well. Money is the important thing here. Right now, I'm between shifts. Oh yes, the cafeteria wants me to work twice today.
Mick told me some funny things regarding certain subjects I will not comment upon. Hee hee. Liars make me giggle.
my oh my
so everything is strange today. the printer is randomly printing things and it's weirding me out. really weirding me out.
claire's house got egged. whoever did it will not be pleased when i find out who they are. bologna and vaseline, anyone?
no one is online to talk to. oh well.
i will lie awake
and lie for fun and fake way i hold you
i was listening to brand new. can you tell?
so again i was rejected by dylan. you'd think i'd get used to it. this time, however, he'd better resolve the dani issues before he does the "emma i like you" bit again because this whole being in limbo and then being rejected stuff has to stop.
i need ice cream
funny people
so i want to kill dani. i walked up to her today and said, "i'm sorry i beat you to asking trevor to senior ball, but it's okay cuz i'm a horny girl so he'll probably get laid.
mmmm... revenge
poor dylan. dylan, if you read this, i'm sorry
*thinks* not every hostage wants to be saved
a note to dylan: if you choose to read this, i am not going to apologize for my feelings
dani is the biggest bitch i have ever met. she lies and sleeps around. she cheated on one of my best friends, and for that she deserves to die. she has no right to badmouth me to a mutual friend just because i asked him to a dance before she did. she can rot in hell and i would laugh if it happened.
on to dylan...
he's totally fucking with my head. he's all "i get the funny feeling i want to give you the world" and then he's all over aforementioned slut. then, he tells me he feels a connection to me and so on all the while still being like "that lady still tears me up inside". i understand he is still torn about his relationship to dani, something i really want to stay out of, but why should he feel the need to drag me into something if all that's going to happen is me being led on? i really like him and i can't see this ending well. more rejection is coming, i can feel it.
so yeah
I got my grades- ish. 2 Cs, 2 As, 1 B, and 1, F. oops. Creative Writing is the crappiest course I've ever had to take.
I had a half day today, so Dylan and I went to Arby's and watched Gattica at his house. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with superawesomebadasscool Trevor and we're going to watch The Wedding Singer. I don't work until Thrusday, so I'm a pretty happy girl right about now. On Sunday, I get to see Christi I think. Yay! I haven't seen that girl in like forever.
Dad's being a big asshole because Grandpa is crabby. Yay. I love my house.
