*****

i don't need the work as much as you need the work done

i'm applying at humana. which means i can't smoke pot in case of a piss test. my boyfriend loves weed and doesn't love me. could this be bad? yes, i do believe it could be. i like victor. he's a nice guy. this fucking always looking for a bag bullshit is getting a little old. he's 20 and all he wants to do is smoke up and skateboard, which is fine if you have absolutely no concerns about things like jobs, bills, apartments, etc., but some of us do (some of us= me). this wasn't a part of the deal. we're not even that serious or anything and all this is turning in to is work for me. it's like having a part time job named victor. sure, it's a fun job sometimes, but a job nonetheless. a job i don't even get paid for. a job that espouses about the "totally natural high" that mushrooms give "cuz if we were cavemen, we wouldn't be smoking weed, we'd be eating shrooms." (i didn't make those quotes up). add in the guy drama and it's just too much. vic has no right to be an ass about guy when i'm playing second fiddle to a plant. there are so many great things about him taht i feel bad even bitching about this one thing, but it's becoming a big problem for me that he's all excited cuz now that he has some green, he has "something to look forward to after work" (again, no shit he said that). not that he could look forward to just chilling with me or anything. he absolutely has to have marijuana in his life. it's fucking ridiculous. he's a grown man and he acts like weed is a security blanket. and i don't love him. it's a fact. i just don't right now; we haven't been together very long and it just hasn't happened yet. so why in the fuck am i wasting my time on someone who i don't love? i don't know. i really don't. at least he has a job and makes his own money and lives on his own and is semi-responsible about bills and shit and seems to like me and doesn't need me so desperately that i feel stifled. but at least when i was stifled, i was in love and loved in return; there was never any question of that. it's all a tradeoff i guess; i just feel like i traded very poorly. oh well. it's my fault kind of but not really entirely. but i did choose to see vic so i should choose to do somehting about seeing him. i don't even make sense anymore.

i give up. i'm going to buy the new todd snider cd tonight (by the way, the title of this post is from one of his new songs) and maybe go see talladega nights too. it's a fucking friday and i deserve to have fun even if i do have to work at 9 fuckin am tomorrow.

posted by emma @ 5:36 PM